Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
