guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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