Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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