I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
