Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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