Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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