i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
two words...techno handjob
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
