i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
