i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
