she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
