my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
