I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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