So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
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You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
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Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
The cops high fived after they tackled you
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
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