Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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