Your tits are I can't wait for
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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