You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
