I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was confusing and full of hummus
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Randomize
