apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
