her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
