Don't EVER smell your tampon
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
