How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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