8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
