i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
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He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
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Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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