I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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