we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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