Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
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So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha