just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
