Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
