Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
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My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
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I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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