hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
