I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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