if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
