and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
