I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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