Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
