I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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