I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
