my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
