Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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