I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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