i think my mom watched the whole time
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
