I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
