with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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