I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
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Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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