Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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