I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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