Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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