the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
