we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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