Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
