Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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