We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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