Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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