My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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