I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize