All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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