Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
