today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You've changed since you got that strap on
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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